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3524 Greenville Ave Dallas, TX 75206

Planet of the Apes, King Kong, Titano the Super-Ape, these things all have one thing in common: they all attain the form of a gorilla, and they are all fictional.

Timothy Treadwell, a name not familiar to most people (aside from the ones who have seen Grizzly Man): real life, and non-fiction. A man who lived with bears for 13 years, “gained their trust,” so he believed, and was ultimately attacked and partly eaten by a bear. True story.

Though gorillas’ intelligence has given them advantage over most mammalian species, the harsh reality proves that bears have the true physical superiority. With male bears weighing up to over 1150 pounds (am I for real? These things are heavy.), these apes and fictional antagonists who only weigh up to 450 pounds don’t stand a chance.

Most gorillas are very solitary, aside from co-existing in groups, they are naturally shy beings. These ape groups often have one dominant Silverback to protect a group of females and baby gorillas. Bears, on the other hand, are often defined by their unity and commune livin’.

Many facts, lots Discovery Channel documentaries, and one brutal death of a man later, we can assume that in a battle between Gorilla vs. Bear, if nature will ever allow it, bears will take gorillas down and possibly even eat them. Bears are, what Colbert refers to as, “godless killing machines.”

After all, the ratio for Googlin’ “How to Survive Bear Attacks” versus “How to Survive Gorilla Attacks” are easily 50 to 2. Do not be fooled with the friendly images of bears scoping through camping tents for sandwiches. When there is competition, they become monstrous creatures and will fight to the death.

Game over, gorillas.

Gorilla vs. Bear fest happens July 23rd here at Granada Theater. Though we do not have the insurance capable of bringing real bears and gorillas to fight it out, there will be humans in suits, and they will fight. Here’s a treat for you too, two obvious people wearing suits, though I can’t figure out if the bear is real, fighting it out.


P.S.: For you Office lovers out there, always remember: Bears. Beets. Battlestar Gallactica.

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